‘You were running well – what hindered you?’ – Paul in the Bible
‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ – apparently not Samuel Johnson
It’s 6 months since I started this blog; it seemed such a good idea at the beginning, but as so often happens I haven’t been able to sustain the early promise. If you have ever made a New Year’s resolution, you’ll know what I mean. Since I last posted, back in August, I have become more and more embarrassed by my failure to write, to ‘keep up’ – why embarrassed? who notices, who cares?! – guilty then, despondent, because I can’t live up to my own expectations. So I feel useless, a failure… and none of those feelings aid creative flow; quite the opposite! I have spent quite a lot of time thinking how I can start again, excuse this giant gap between posts – I am too pedantic to just pretend it’s not there! I even started a few drafts but then dried up, dissatisfied.
It’s not that I haven’t picked a good subject – one that I know most people can identify with – and it’s not that the longing in me has gone away; it’s not that I haven’t got lots of ideas and experiences to write about either – I have: this summer was full to bursting with travel, celebrations and memorable events – great fodder for any writer about life. But that, of course, was part of the problem – being too busy: there is such a big gap between thinking something is a really good idea and making the time to DO IT. The other problem is that I have another blog and if I have a spare hour I will usually post there instead – but even that has fallen behind over the past months. I guess I can’t stretch to 2 parallel journeys after all – in longing to escape I have made myself another cage, another ‘thing I have to do’.
I know I am not the only would-be blogger who starts well and fades – I guess this site is littered with them. I have one friend who is a great writer, but when I went to see what she was up to her blog was a year out of date – for exactly the same reasons as mine: “an ingrained habit of putting herself last” – after all the other “lists, errands and chores” clamouring for attention. She seems to have completely given up again, sadly 😦 Like I say, it is embarrassing to be continually making promises you can’t keep…
Perhaps I just fill my days with too much else – responsibilities, friendships, housework, wasting time on facebook… in this modern age there will never be enough time to do absolutely everything anyway. How does one choose what to put first if there is no deadline or pay incentive? I don’t have a 9-5 job so it falls to me to make a routine – and of course there’s no-one to make me stick to it! Why do I find it so hard to make the time to just BE, to let peace fall and allow the words flow from there? Just like my friend I tend to put myself last too – almost storing up the things I really want to do, that would be fulfilling, substantial, good for me, for some future time when everything else in life is clean and tidy.
To be honest, I am sick of ‘writing about writing’, going round in circles, tying myself in knots. This week I did manage to set aside 2 days in my diary for ‘writing time’ but after such a set up, when yesterday morning arrived I was utterly blocked! I just sat there and started doodling and dreaming – and it struck me that if I am longing to escape why am I creating more inner turmoil by (not) writing about it? Can’t I just escape?
So I am. Maybe if I let myself off the hook I’ve created for myself I’ll be free to breathe for long enough to find out what makes me excited – what I want to write about so much that I actually DO IT! Maybe then I will actually escape!
Au revoir, readers. At least I feel better that I came back to say goodbye. But it’s not the end – it is only the beginning!
Longing to escape... 